I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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