I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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