Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
