oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Randomize
