Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
