my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
