alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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