Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
