What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
