if you like me you must not know who I am
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
