I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
