A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
True but thats because hes a fetus.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
