I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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