Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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