Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
