I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
whose ass print is on the piano?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
