we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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