Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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