my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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