I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
