dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
