party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
My cat gives me a boner
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
