FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
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Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
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So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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