just come out here and I will go home with you...
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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