my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
