Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
