Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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