How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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