smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
