So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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