When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Randomize
