i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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