As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
