This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
