Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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