I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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