dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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