When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
