barbara walters just said penis...
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
