My sheets look like a crime scene.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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