My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
