I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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