remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
