WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
