I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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