He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
