Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Randomize