if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
