im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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