I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
