Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
