Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
