note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
