The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Randomize
