Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
