Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
