So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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