He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
