we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
i believe in u and ur pee
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
